tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central January 14, 2015 5:58pm-6:30pm PST
i kid because let's face facts we've had some issues with florida in the past... with the vote-counting. and the ground-standing but tonight i am hap -- it really just is dangling there. i'm happy to say there is great news from the sunshine state! >> florida joins the growing list of states where same sex marriage is now legal. >> you can hear the celebration in the courtroom today as it erupted in miami this morning. >> jon: whoo! yeah! (cheers and applause) (speaking french) it is miami, party city though don't get too carried away. pretty sure that's how every verdict in miami is received.
>> you do if you're dealing crack. >> jon: oh, yeah mr. worldwide! of course, not everybody's happy with the judicial ruling. >> a small group of protesters picketed with signs outside of the clerk of courts office. and at times they directly confronted the gay couples waiting in line. >> two men and two women can't get married. don't you understand that? it's perversion. it's not marriage. it's perverrrrsion! >> jon: it's a perverrrsion! no, a perversion is two giant rats living in sin for 80 years. sorry if gay marriage skeeves you out, but it's the law of the land now.
there's really nothing you can do about it. i guess you could cancel all courthouse marriages but that would be unbelievably petty spiteful and vindictive. >> duval, clay and baker county no longer give couples the option to get married in the courthouse. and that goes for all couples - gay or straight. >> you won't perform "any" marriages? because of this in terrible news for engaged couples in those counties. but "great" news for leland, the lethario of duval county. sorry, lorelai, i'd love to settle down, but the law says i can't be caged! (wolf howl) aaawwwhooooooooo! that's really got to be sandler in a wig. (laughter) before you condemn the counties,
what they're doing is in the name of tolerance. >> some employees feel uncomfortable mar cringe two men or two women. >> a spokesperson saying, it could cause discriminations down there with those who are uncomfortable. we wanted to elimnate any unfairness. >> jon: we don't want to cause uneasiness of people who chose to be clerk. i can spot a county clerk a mile away with my clerk-dar! come on, you live in a state where at any given moment there's a hurricane going on. why are you so focused on gay people tying the knot? >> ig the biggest thing is it's the end of gender in society.
>> jon: one thing florida has his tore quli is strict preservation of gender roles. you as the lady are the sprayee and i as the gentleman is the sprayer, as the lord intended! and as god said to atom, use colder water! for let there be head lice! let's talk about some of the fine citizens you're trying to protect from the blight of legal same-sex marriage >> a florida man caught trying to trade an alligator for beer. >> a florida woman setting a car on fire at mcdonald's after he refused to buy her a mcflurry (. >> a wealthy florida man has adopted his girlfriend. >> a florida man who tresses like a woman, claiming to be a doctor is accused of injecting a patient with cement. >> a florida man trying to steal a chainsaw by stuffing it into
his pants! >> jon: florida, you don't get to judge others when your state motto is "if darwin was right, we wouldn't even be here." we didn't even look for these stories. they found us. in fact it's only the second week of 2015 and we may already have a winner for "the most florida-man florida-man ever... of the year." >> a south florida man is in some trouble. it started with him trying to hit his employees with a lizard. (laughter) >> jon: please be on video, please with on video! >> investigators say it was all caught on the security camera as well. (cheers and applause) >> jon: go on... >> they're not releasing the video.
>> oh! >> jon: well, thanks for ruining christmas! wait a second. this is the perfect time for me to use my christmas present from my staff, the footage-faker 3000! let's see. wait, hold on. there we . go hold on. make it more festive. all right. florida man... lizard assault from mouth... go. >> oh! you lizard! >> hasan: stop! i beg you, stop! >> sam: (through lizard) can't! i'm from florida!"] >> jon: we really kneed to use
that machine more often. i know what you're saying rats, what are the legal repercussions for attacking employees with an unregistered lizard? >> siegel has been ordered to stay away from his employees and not have any contact with reptiles. >> how many people have had a restraining order placed on them by an entire class of animal? >> buddy, step away from the gecko! no! she told me she was a frog! i swear! made me think of that reptile store. where have i heard of that store before? >> two years ago the same pet shop hosted a cockroach eating contest where one contestant died after choking on an insect. >> dude "choked to death on cockroaches!" any other state, that's news. but in florida, it's just one of the checkboxes on the coroner's cause-of-death form.
it speeds things along. (applause) so let me just say this, to any local florida officials who refuse to perform these ceremonies, you live in a giant cockroach-infested hooters-dining, reptile-abusing everglades-draining election-ruining, stripper-motorboating, ball-sweat-scented genitalia-shaped, 24-hour mugshot factory. you're saying you won't perform marriage ceremonies to preserve the sanctity of your courthouses for these people. (applause) here comes the best part. up next i'll be joined by the senator from florida, marco rubio. we'll be right back. so thanks again for inviting my cousin i know your not his biggest fan.
it's just that he's.... [ doorbell ] tim! [ guests yelling ] tim! tim. tostitos rolls how's the queso. tim we need to hangout more tim-a-to, t-bone. actually my name is brian. ha... we can still hangout brian. new tostitos rolls the offical chip and dip sponsor of the nfl. tostitos. bring the party. over 20 years 31 million students started college, but didn't complete a degree for lots of reasons. at devry university we believe there are also lots of reasons to finish. so we help you maximize qualifying credits you've already earned. so you can graduate sooner and get on to a great career. because whatever kept you from finishing before... all that matters is your reason to do it now. see more reasons to finish and get started at devry.edu. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> you don't plan to go to florida anytime soon. >> jon: i do. let me tell you something -- >> you're a candidate for a lizard beating. >> jon: no, no... (laughter) let me tell you about the great people of florida. what a wonderful sense of humor. (laughter) i'm honestly counting on the demographic being so old that they really -- by the time i get down there -- (laughter) >> yeah. >> jon: listen to this, let's start with agreement. >> may i have some water? >> jon: please, come on. i know you're a thirsty man. (laughter) marco rubio. let's start with an agreement. you look very sick. >> that's photoshopped. >> jon: is it really? well when i stopped eating roaches about six months ago i lost a hot of weight, you know? (applause) >> jon: you have a wonderful sense of humor. we thought we would have fun with it that's all that was. let me talk about this, you want to restore -- >> you don't have a florida
graphic up, right? >> jon: no, not right now. it really does -- >> no, no please. let's continue. i have a new book called -- >> jon: you have a new book. yeah. >> jon: "american dreams: restoring economic opportunity for everyone." but then there's a very interesting phrase at the end of it -- for everyone. >> yeah. >> jon: explain that. well for everyone. >> jon: well in this country we generally like to keep the economic opportunity separate. >> yeah. >> jon: for people that already have money. (laughter) so the idea of restoring it for everybody, this is an exciting idea. talk to me about it. >> well, i don't know. listen, i think we've talked about it in the book. that's been my experience. my dad was a bartender in florida for many years, my mom was a maid. they were never rich. never made a lot of money. they had a home in a nice, safe neighborhood but never were wealthy. despite the fact they had limited education, they lived in a time where someone like them could make it to the middle class. i think that's gotten impossible
for a lot of people. people open up the paper, the economy is great all the jobs are being created, yet they don't feel it in their own lives. they're a broken down car away from feeling disaster. and the question is whose fault is it? the abs is it's not just someone's fault, it's an economic restructuring and our policies haven't adjusted. our country is different than it looked like 20 years ago. >> jon: don't you think some of the restructuring is some of the more powerful firms have been able to lobby congress and create, you know, a different set of rules for their economic -- >> i think there are many instances in which industries in the past, and i felt this when i was in the state legislature in florida, that -- >> jon: you're going to move now, aren't you? >> no, i love living there. we have no income tax. >> jon: what? you can move down in six months and a day. >> jon: sure i'll be right there. i mean, what does it say about the state when that's the lure?
>> no state income tax? >> jon: yeah! your selling point is it's free! that's like, you know, the tunnel to get into new york city is 12 bucks. to go to jersey, free! (laughter) that's how it is! >> no no, it doesn't snow. >> jon: i like that. you should open with that. the free thing -- you should open with the snow thing. >> but the problem is, you're right. so one of the arguments i've made as well both in the book and outside is sometimes established industries will use regulations and laws to make sure that an innovative competitor can't enter the state. one of the examples i use in the book and i had the conversation with a course i teach at florida international university, they were complaining they couldn't get uber in miami, and thens is the local commission under the influence of the medallion holders of the taxicabs have pressure from the commission not to open it up for a competitor
and innovative getter to enter the state the point is and you're right, oftentimes established industries will use the mountain of regulations and laws to keep competitors from -- >> jon: or create new ones that are designed to keep the bar of entry very high so that -- >> we'll get into area of controversy because people have different opinions about it. but in obamacare itself -- >> jon: talking about the affordable care act? >> in florida we call it obamacare. (applause) >> jon: i wasn't sure we were talking about the same legislation. >> well, depends. anyway, imagine you had a business where we could pass a law that says you're forced to buy this product. if you can't afford to buy it we'll subsidize it for you and if the business loses money we'll come in and bail you out. >> jon: so it would be like you made a product and the government says you have to give it seat belts. >> that's a public safety thing right? you're preventing people from dying in a car accident. >> jon: no health
insurance -- >> we're talking about two different things. i'm talking about how insurance companies game the system so they're getting bailed out -- >> jon: i agree, it's certainly a boon to the insurance industry. >> we have a seat belt law in florida. >> jon: oh, i say don't worry about it. (laughter) when we come back, there are some interesting programs in here that i actually think are really good ideas, ones i agree with. >> you're not going to say it publicly... >> jon: no, i'm going to say it on the v tv and there's over 100 people watching. (laughter) can 7up ten pack full 7up flavor into only ten calories? well if you can pack this much panic into one attack. then, yes, 7up ten can pack full 7up flavor into only ten calories. that's the power of ten. also in these brands. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the evolution of luxury continues. the next generation 2015 escalade. esurance was born online. which means fewer costs, which saves money. their customer experience is virtually paperless which saves paper, which saves money. they have smart online tools so you only pay for what's right for you which saves money. they settle claims quickly which saves time, which saves money. they drive an all-hybrid claims fleet which saves gas, which saves money. they were born online, and built to save money, which means when they save, you save. because that's how it should work in the modern world. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call. ♪ ♪you better pledge your allegiance♪ ♪you're not the only one♪
♪listen up forefathers♪ ♪let them have some fun♪ ♪some fun♪ ♪some fun.♪ this- is your new wallet. no. really. you can now use your capital one card with apple pay to buy this that... or a few pairs of these-all from your iphone 6 instantly. it's easy. honestly- it's pretty awesome. and when you have the capital one wallet app you can keep track of all your purchases. see what i mean? awesome. what's in your wallet?
>> jon: welcome back! talking to senator marco rubio. i want to get into specific policy. you introduced an idea i think is a good one, the earned income tax credit. >> yeah. >> jon: one of the most popular things for people with children. it's an enormous help. you're introducing a way to expand that program and to get the money monthly as opposed
to -- >> well the earned income tax credit is something you can claim through your tax return and even if you don't owe taxes you can get it back depending on how many people you're supporting in your family and you have to have a job to claim it. we should do two things, one, to open it up to people who are childless so single workers can qualify and second, we should put it into your paycheck. >> jon: a page enhancement. for people make less than $25,000 a year up to a total of $40,000 in wage enhancement. the theory is i'd much more like to have someone working and subsidize that instead of collecting long-term unemployment. >> jon: most people on long-term unemployment would agree with you and rather be working. >> if you wanted to find a job for 8 or $9, you could but you won't be able to pay your bills and that's another problem in the country. >> jon: and i'd like to raise
the maiming. >> this is better than raising the minimum-wage, the wage enhancement. >> jon: now that we've drawn an agreement here rest do this earned income tax credit thing and raise the minimum-wage. suddenly, you have an enormous group of people that raise them sfs out of poverty, stimulate the economy. i think this is actually something we could agree on. (applause) >> $10.10 will not raise you out of poverty. >> jon: but with the earned income tax credit. >> the concern i have about the minimum-wage increase is we have been told by both the congressional budget office and independent analysts that it would cost jobs and some businesses will decide you've made employees more expensive than machines and when you go to a fast food restaurant, you will order from a touchscreen and when you get to the window, the order will be right but --
(laughter) (applause) -- but the point is you make that person more expensive than the new tech knoll, they'll move to the new technology soon snore they will anyway because corporations are people but they're sociopaths. (applause) but the point is this -- there are a lot of ideas like that that utilize government intervention in creating the conditions for economic success. >> government has a role to play. >> jon: yes. your base, your constituency, won that be more of a hard sell for you? >> we're not talking about anarchy. there's a role for foft to play. it's not the primary role in economic life. the primary role lies in the private sector. >> jon: i understand. i don't think most people would disagree with that.
i'm just saying the rhetoric from the tea party seems somewhat resistant to even the earned income tax credit expansion. where's that money going to come from? >> people in the tea party are frustrated with the growth of government and unresponsiveness. the government has grown too big, too large too expensive, spends money they don't have, grows the debt -- >> jon: the f you supercharge the credit, it's expensive. >> it's not necessarily just app expansion, we're transforming it into a program that we can deliver -- >> jon: look at you trapped between two worlds. >> it's the same world. >> jon: the world of being active in government and protecting bush there's an unrealistic expectation that people want services, everything delivered, they want the money but don't want to pay for it. that's always been the disconnect, i don't want the government involved, keep your hands off my social security
that kind of things. >> are there other individuals who make arguments that go too far left or right? >> jon: individuals? you work with them in the senate! (applause) >> jon: but for you to become president, won't you have to move to trying to and isn't it not necessarily -- this book doesn't strike me as that. >> i believe this is taking limited government and free enterprise and applying it to the challenges of the 21st 21stcally. we already have income earned tax credit -- >> jon: like your community college program you want to go to commercial? you have 5 minutes to explain the community college program? >> 5 minutes. >> jon: sure. where are you going to go? "american dreams," on the bookshelves now. senator marco rubio, ladies and gentlemen! we'll be back with more. discover card. hey! so i'm looking at my bill and my fico® credit score's on here. we give you your fico®core each month for free! awesomesauce! wow! the only person i know that says that is...lisa? julie?!
at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. get the it card and see your fico® credit score. i'm jerry bell the second. and i'm jerry bell the third. i'm like a big bear and he's my little cub. this little guy is non-stop. he's always hanging out with his friends. you've got to be prepared to sit at the edge of your seat and be ready to get up. there's no "deep couch sitting." definitely not good for my back. this is the part i really don't like right here. (doorbell) what's that? a package! it's a swiffer wetjet. it almost feels like it's moving itself. this is kind of fun. that comes from my floor? eww! this is deep couch sitting. [jerry bell iii] deep couch sitting! only pizza hut's new menu finally gives crust the flavor it so rightfully deserves. get any one of ten new crust flavors for free. like, toasted asiago. salted pretzel. or honey
with t-mobile and iphone 6 you can make wi-fi calls beyond the reach of cellular networks. hey brandon what's up? so you can talk from down here. smile for grandma! or text pictures from up here. ok, there we go, should we send a photo? you can even make calls, way over here. talk and text over wi-fi, with wi-fi calling on iphone 6. only from t-mobile. now get iphone 6 for $0 down. >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> who would have thought bob
newhart would have been trending on twitter during the national championship game when oregon and new york state? notice the difference betwee captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh. ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ [ meows ] no, kitty! these are my spicy-hot louisiana-baked chicken tenders! [ meows ] no, kitty! someday i will collect all the chinpokomon!
then i will fight the evil power that will reveal itself once all the chinpokomon are collected, oh! [ meows ] no, kitty. you can't have these chicken tenders, because they are mine, and i keep mine to myself, oh! be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable episode of "chinpokomon." hooray! hey, kids, do you love chinpokomon? yes. well, now you can buy your very own! ♪ i've got to buy chinpokomon ♪ ♪ i've got to buy it! i've got to buy it! ♪ now you can collect them all -- furrycat, donkeytron pengin, shoe, lambtor -- collect them all and you can become royal crown chinpoko master. royal crown chinpoko master?! holy [bleep] all the chinpokomon are in stores now. chinpokomon is superior toy number one! ♪ i've got to buy it! chinpokomon! ♪ mom! mom! mom! seriously! seriously! toy store, mom! now! must go! toy store! eric, calm down. seriously! mom! must go! must buy! what is it, eric? mom, i've only just heard. they're making chinpokomon dolls, mom. you can collect them all mother. quick. we must get to the toy store. i'm making us some lunch right now, eric.